another day is winding down. I went to bed last night thinking I would get up early, fix breakfast and wait for the hubby to log on, call, or Facetime with the kids. Those were my thoughts as I finally drifted off to sleep around 2 a.m. Needless to say that's not at all what happened. I ended up staying in bed till 8:30, got up and gave the boys hair cuts, baths, and then fixed an early lunch. We then had to all get dressed to head to the funeral home where all 3 kids acted SO good (bright spot in the day). Did the hubby even think to call when he got done working and to his room...NO, did he pop online to leave me or the kids a message saying he was going to bed...NO. Sometimes I really think he does these things just to see if I notice. Yes..I know I've been busy alot during the last few weeks and we haven't been able to talk via videochat at all. But I do remember telling him last night that the kids and I would like to talk to him today. Instead at 1:30 pm I was calling him to see why he didn't call us or log on today only to find out he had went straight to bed. The kids were crushed..heck, I was crushed! I know he's got alot of work going on, and trying to hang out with the guys some too. But seriously...I feel even more like a single parent at this moment than I ever have before. Walking into that funeral home with all 3 kids in tow...(to his uncles viewing.), and then my mother and father in law helped keep the kids occupied while there..and then taking all 3 kids alone to get something to eat. As I sat at Pizza Hut with the kids and I ordered their food, opened straws, and started cutting up pizza for Jackson...it seemed everyone was staring at us. I HATE that pity look. I would rather people hate me than pity me. Don't get me wrong..the kids were awesome, well behaved and no fighting...but I know what those people are thinking. I know because I once was one of those people who felt sorry for those moms who had their hands full. And even though I'm not a single mom, I've spent more time raising my kids alone without Josh here, than Josh and I have spent parenting together. Don't get me wrong..he's an awesome dad, and normally he really does do everything in his power to make sure the kids and I know that he is thinking of us too. But ever since he went back to Afghanistan this last time, I've really felt like we were on the back burner. It's probably all in my head...I can't deny that I've been super stressed lately with Katie's dr's appts, family drama, and just the every day stress of having 3 kids, 2 being in school. but still, I do love him and I know he loves us. I just wish sometimes he could talk to me more about what's going on over there.
I made a step today and linked my Twitter to my blog. I don't think I have but like 17 followers so it's not THAT big of a step...but a step none-the-less. Only one person knew about me blogging, and that was my best friend and she didn't even know the name of my blog or the site address. So to have it linked to those 17 followers is a step to "publishing" my blog to the public. Maybe someday I'll link it to my Facebook, but not today. I really don't have many friends who I confide in, really only 2 (my hubby and bestie) she's busy with publishing her books and family life...and the hubby is just plain busy at work and hanging with the guys after work. Writing this blog is helping, I seem to sleep better after getting it all out there and I refuse to censor my feelings on my own blog. And yes..I realize that I would have more friends if I called up some gals and told them I needed to talk. but people change, situations change and our schedules change. Just because I'm done with supper, baths and cleaning doesn't mean that everyone else is. I don't call my friends who are married because I don't want to interrupt their family times, and let's just say I haven't been on speed dial in a long long time for anyone. I have a few friends who shoot me random texts a couple times a month because they do things they know will make me laugh...but that's about it anymore. It's sad but I can't say that I've been the perfect friend either. I don't invite my friends here...I think 2 of my friends have been to my house and we've lived here almost 2 years. I really need to change that but I'm just not ready to entertain company. I miss the old me. the one who was always so upbeat and ready for a challenge of cooking solo for a dozen people and then having kids over all the time. Have I said yet that I'm ready for my hubby to be home yet? Well, I am. I'm so ready for him to be home and to take his role as husband and daddy to a more hands-on role than I ever thought I would. But he's doing a job that he was truly meant to do and the Lord has blessed him so much with the knowledge and connections to do this job. And myself, I've been blessed to be able to spend every single second with the kids and even on days where I just really want a break...I can look at their little faces and all stress just melts away if I forget about the housework and just sit down and cuddle or play with them. :-)
**I did not edit this post, so I'll apologize for any errors in spelling or grammer. I know that had I edited..I would probably delete most of it.
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