Catch up..or lack there of.

Wow, can't believe it's been so long since I've written a post in my online journal.    Things have been quite hectic and I haven't really slowed down much except for the past few days.   This week I get to start working on tax junk...yippee! (lots of sarcasm there).    I've been trying to stay busy with the hubby and kids while he was home for a break, but so much has been going on and now that he's gone to Michigan..it seems everything is hitting me at once.   Lack of Friends is a big one.   I use to have at least 3 people to talk to at any given time and they would be glad for my call or better yet...they would call me.   Now that I'm a stay at home mom and all my friends are in the working world with things of their own to do..it seems I have nobody.  The hubs is always willing to listen but when I'm on the phone with him, I want to talk about the kids and happy things.  I talk to my mom and sister daily and I call my aunt a few times a week but that's really it.   Even Facebook is boring to me and I don't want to be one of those Debbie downers who is constantly putting downer status updates.    I know it's my fault, I quit putting forth any effort in my friendships.   I am home with the kids all the time, they are working moms so I don't want to call them in their "off time" and keep them on the phone for an hour catching up on my life.   Sometimes I just want to go put in some applications and get back to work so that I can have work friends again.  But then one of the kids will do or say something that just gets me feeling so blessed that I SAW or HEARD that and wasn't working, and I lose the momentum to go back to work.  Plus, as long as we are financially able for me to stay home with them, I would like to.     Oh well, maybe one of these days I'll get out and meet some equally boring moms who long for an adult conversation/vent session a couple times a week...lol.      

Other than that, my family is doing just great.  The kids are growing and learning more everyday.  We are still potty-training with Jackson..it's going great for me but he refuses to use the potty anywhere but at home...not even at my mom and dads.   He's SO stubborn like that, but then he gets that honestly so I can't really fuse to much.   I kinda like using the bathroom in the comfort of my own home too. :-)   He'll be 3 in March so we have a few months to really get him on the ball, but I have set a deadline for Valentine's Day.  

I guess that's all for now, it's the older kids bedtime then I must get back to cleaning the floors before they drive me insane.   Hope you have a great week!! 

Weekend Ramblings

So..I've decided in my quest to stay on top of this blogging thing I've decided to start a weekly rambling post.  

* I absolutely HATE laundry.  I don't mind throwing it in the washer and dryer but sorting, folding and hanging up THEN having to put it away is just too time consuming for me.  It's my least favorite chore.

*I have big plans of getting this house completely organized but with 3 kids it never stays that way for over 2 weeks so I've given up. 

*Only 20 more days till my 10 year wedding anniversary!!!  Josh and I say that we aren't exchanging gifts and I really haven't bought him anything so let's hope he sticks to it also so I don't feel horrible.

*50 long days till Josh flies home!!  woohoo!!!  I really hope the days pass quickly but I've barely started our Christmas shopping so I'm hopeful that I get more accomplished in the next 50 days.  :-)

*Katie is spending the weekend at my sisters house and I was planning on getting her bedroom and closet organized..summer clothes out and winter clothes in.   It's 5:00 pm and I've not even started :-(

*Jackson is driving me bonkers today!!  He found a pencil and marker and went on a drawing spree on the living room and hallway walls while I was downstairs doing laundry.   2 hours with a Magic Eraser and the walls still look like crap.  Little boy will be going to bed early tonight.

*Jared has pretty much locked himself in his bedroom all day long on his quest to beat a game on his iPod....that kid really needs a hobby...lol.

*Pretty sure that I'm ready for Spring time already.  This whole hot one day and cold the next is getting old already.   Florida is sounding better and better all the time. 

*I hate it that I can't decide what to get anybody for Christmas.  I really am thinking I'll do homemade goodies.   The kids could even help some which is a plus.  The kids are getting older and more difficult.  What ever happened to kids wanting toys till they are like 10!  My kids are asking for laptops and ipads at 6 and 8!  (not happening but maybe we can compromise a little on that)

*Sometimes I wish I had things to do every once and a while with the kids and without the kids.  But with 3 kids...asking anyone to watch all 3 seems a little mean so I don't.  Guess I'll have plenty of time to watch movies and go out with friends when my kids are grown and out of the house.  Or maybe I'll get better about inviting friends over and the kids will actually behave enough that friends want to come back...lol.  :-)

*It's a spaghetti and movie night here with my 2 boys.  So I think this is all for now.  My brain is tired so it's definitely been a rambled kinda day!  Hope everyone else is having a great weekend!!!

The Day to Remember

So..It's that day again, where I carefully dust off my white candle and light it at promptly 7:00 pm and allow myself to think about the baby we lost and my many friends who have suffered the same heartache.   I know many people will say that if you haven't felt the baby move or if your not over 10 or 20 weeks then you don't suffer the same.  TOTALLY not true in my case.   On October 8th, 2004 I woke up knowing something wasn't right.   On this sacred day, I'll share our story. 

I had just confirmed our pregnancy and found out I was around 6 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child that previous week at the Dr's office.  Josh had left the day before (Oct. 7th) for a training in St. Louis with a co-worker who is oddly enough the person responsible for getting him his current job.  I had packed my own bags into a friends house that previous night and had immediately started cramping a little.   I went to bed with Jared and propped my legs up.  The cramping stopped so I thought everything was fine.  The next morning...Aside from the obvious reason that I was spotting I knew something bad was going to happen.   At the time, I was fearing bedrest for the next several months.  NEVER in my mind did I think my baby was already gone.   This baby was wanted...so so wanted.  From the first moment I heard the nurse who was giving me a pee test before renewing my brith control prescription say that I had tested positive I knew this baby was wanted by Josh and I.   Yes...you heard right.   I did not know I was pregnant at that point until I went in for the prescription that week prior.   Anyways, I get up and call the dr's office and they want me there asap.  So I wake up my friends daughter and tell her to get in bed with Jared and that I would be back in a few hours.   I get to the dr's office and they take me back.   Here, they give me a ultrasound to tell me that my baby was miscarrying and that it was just a matter of time before I passed it.   PASSED IT?!?!   I don't want to pass it, I want to keep it there and let it grow into a beautiful baby girl or boy!   To say I was stunned is an understatement.  I passed out and the next thing I know I'm in the recovery room at the hospital after having an emergency D&C.    In the meantime, my sister had tried and tried to get ahold of Josh.   She finally gets in touch with him and they head home from St. Louis full throttle.  The next morning, I wake up at my friends house with Josh sitting next to me.  All I remember of the next few days is crying...crying for all we lost, crying for my mistakes.   Did I cause the miscarriage by not knowing about the pregnancy and taking my birth control pills all that time?  Did I cause the miscarriage by packing in my bags?  I don't know.   The OB said later that he thought the baby would have miscarried regardless and that sometimes it just happens.   All I know is that Oct. 8th, the day my baby left my womb and May 26th, the due-date we were given for our baby will never be the same.   I think about this baby all the time, I've had many dreams of a little girl with long curly brown hair and blue eyes.   I know without a shadow of a doubt that my baby is in the arms of Jesus and is well.   I grieve for all of the mothers who have experienced this same pain, and hold my kids tighter thanking God for allowing me to carry them to birth and seeing them here healthy.  I'll continue to pray for all the mothers with empty arms that they will one day get to hold a baby in their arms because one thing I'm sure of...whether or not you hold a child or not, your still a mother and one day you'll be reunited with your child.  God takes care of ALL his children, not just the one's who were delivered full term and healthy.  

Sorry :-(

I can't believe it's been 14 whole days since I last posted on this blog!  It's not that I hadn't wanted to blog...I just haven't really felt the need to blog anything.  But then today, I decided this blog was for ME, and I should at least post my feelings at the moment.   so here it goes.....

In less than 1 week, my baby girl will under go another surgery.  This time to take her tonsils and adenoids out.  I HATE it that she has to be put to sleep twice in one months time.   It stinks...really really stinks.   But hopefully this is just one more thing that will keep her from getting sick so much.  I just hate the recovery part.  She's going to be miserable and I'm going to be miserable but not able to show it.  I know if Josh were going to be here...he'd be such a huge help but he won't be and there is nothing I can do about that.  Don't get me wrong..I know he wants to be here more than anything and will worry himself sick until she's better.  :-(   We sure do miss him so much all the time, but even more so when things aren't going so great. 

On to other things....the kids are all doing great.   Just tonight Jared came up to me and started reciting his multiplication tables BY MEMORY!!!!  Honestly, we had been working on them a little bit, but only like the 1's, 2's and 3's...and he just starts doing random problems in his head and sprouting off the answers.   So, I decided to quiz him a little and started asking him harder one's.   not lying...he answered every single one of them in less than 3 seconds.  I am floored at how genius this kid is.  Anyone that knows me, knows that I can do accounting and work a calculator better than most people I know...but I don't do math in my head.  Even basic math has me counting in my head, so to have a kid who just naturally picks it up is awesome.  :-) 

Josh and I have a big milestone coming up.  On November 16th we well be celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary!  I know...right?!?  That's just awesome and it SO does not feel like we've been married almost 10 years.  He'll still be in Afghanistan, so I'm sure I'll just be sitting at home with the kids and maybe order pizza to celebrate the occasion.  I've been entering a contest to win Chris Young concert tickets (front row seats) and Meet and Greet passes.   The concert is in Nashville on the 15th...and my theory is that if I can't spend it with my hubby, I may as well get to spend my anniversary in Nashville seeing my favorite country artist who I joke is my boyfriend :-)  To say that I love Chris Young music is quite an understatement.  It's my ringtone, my ringback tones, and constantly playing on my iPhone.  Most of his songs I can relate to Josh and I so that just makes him even better!  So wish me luck that I win the tickets.  The day they went on sale, I logged on to order tickets and the only seats left weren't good seats and I have no interest in the nose bleed sections.  :-(

I guess that is about all for tonight...I just hope I can get better at blogging.  I feel better after doing it just finding topics I want to "put out there" is a little hard for me.  :-(

Monday Wrapup

WHY does cleaning have to take so long.  Sometimes I really regret us buying this huge house, it seems to take a week to clean every room and by then it's time to start over.  But then I have 3 kids living in this space, so I'm sure they help with making it dirty too.  And it IS pretty nice being able to separate the kids into 3 different parts of the house...lol.  We got up this morning and took the kids to school, then came home and got to cleaning.  Around 11, I decided to tackle my kids toy boxes and closets.  After finally stopping at 3 garbage bags full, we loaded the truck and took those to drop off at the school as a donation.  Needless to say, I need to buy LOTS more bags before I'm even remotely close to finishing their rooms.   Jared is 8, Katie is 6 but neither child really plays with toys.  Jared is content with his ipod, games, and being outside.  It doesn't matter what the weather is like, that kid wants to be outside.   Katie loves her books, art stuff and make-up.   She never plays with Barbies, Dolls, or none of the other pretend-play things she has in her room.  I'm up for just dumping the totes into garbage bags and being done with it.  But that would never work because both kids want to keep every single toy that Josh ever bought them.  Anyways...I'll get done eventually but I refuse to buy them any toys for Christmas.  Welcome to the world of giftcards and iTunes cards!

 On that note, Josh and I have decided to buy Jackson a train table for Christmas.  As a family, we have decided that each child will get 2 gifts plus stocking stuffers (gift cards go in stockings).   For Jared and Katie I'm thinking of a laptop or iPad (maybe Jared a Laptop and Katie an iPad), then the other gift will be something that they ask for specifically when they write their letters at school.  And then Jackson will get the train table and a few other things.  The problem with this is Jackson's will in no way costs as much as Jared and Katies.   We don't do Santa in this house, it's not that I've told them their is no Santa....we just acknowledge Santa is a person and Mommy & Daddy buy the gifts.  I'm sure this year we will do a little more "santa things" just for Jackson since he's still so little.  I've pretty much got my lists done, and have started some shopping.  Just hope that I can get done before Thanksgiving with everyone else so that I can go Black Friday shopping to get the deals for myself and Josh.  :-)  I still am thinking I want an iPhone 5 but I may just wait it out till my current iPhone 4 dies completely.   And just because I'm not sure if Josh reads this or not...I'll keep my thoughts for his present to myself....I'm sneaky like that.  

*This posts was not edited just because it's Monday, I'm tired and being lazy...so overlook all errors.  Thanks for stopping in.

venting....

another day is winding down.   I went to bed last night thinking I would get up early, fix breakfast and wait for the hubby to log on, call, or Facetime with the kids.  Those were my thoughts as I finally drifted off to sleep around 2 a.m.   Needless to say that's not at all what happened.  I ended up staying in bed till 8:30, got up and gave the boys hair cuts, baths, and then fixed an early lunch.   We then had to all get dressed to head to the funeral home where all 3 kids acted SO good (bright spot in the day).   Did the hubby even think to call when he got done working and to his room...NO, did he pop online to leave me or the kids a message saying he was going to bed...NO.  Sometimes I really think he does these things just to see if I notice.  Yes..I know I've been busy alot during the last few weeks and we haven't been able to talk via videochat at all.  But I do remember telling him last night that the kids and I would like to talk to him today.   Instead at 1:30 pm I was calling him to see why he didn't call us or log on today only to find out he had went straight to bed.  The kids were crushed..heck, I was crushed!   I know he's got alot of work going on, and trying to hang out with the guys some too.  But seriously...I feel even more like a single parent at this moment than I ever have before.  Walking into that funeral home with all 3 kids in tow...(to his uncles viewing.), and then my mother and father in law helped keep the kids occupied while there..and then taking all 3 kids alone to get something to eat.  As I sat at Pizza Hut with the kids and I ordered their food, opened straws, and started cutting up pizza for Jackson...it seemed everyone was staring at us.  I HATE that pity look.  I would rather people hate me than pity me.  Don't get me wrong..the kids were awesome, well behaved and no fighting...but I know what those people are thinking.  I know because I once was one of those people who felt sorry for those moms who had their hands full.  And even though I'm not a single mom, I've spent more time raising my kids alone without Josh here, than Josh and I have spent parenting together.  Don't get me wrong..he's an awesome dad, and normally he really does do everything in his power to make sure the kids and I know that he is thinking of us too.  But ever since he went back to Afghanistan this last time, I've really felt like we were on the back burner.  It's probably all in my head...I can't deny that I've been super stressed lately with Katie's dr's appts, family drama, and just the every day stress of having 3 kids, 2 being in school.   but still, I do love him and I know he loves us.  I just wish sometimes he could talk to me more about what's going on over there.  

  I made a step today and linked my Twitter to my blog.  I don't think I have but like 17 followers so it's not THAT big of a step...but a step none-the-less.  Only one person knew about me blogging, and that was my best friend and she didn't even know the name of my blog or the site address.  So to have it linked to those 17 followers is a step to "publishing" my blog to the public.  Maybe someday I'll link it to my Facebook, but not today.  I really don't have many friends who I confide in, really only 2 (my hubby and bestie) she's busy with publishing her books and family life...and the hubby is just plain busy at work and hanging with the guys after work.    Writing this blog is helping, I seem to sleep better after getting it all out there and I refuse to censor my feelings on my own blog.   And yes..I realize that I would have more friends if I called up some gals and told them I needed to talk.  but people change, situations change and our schedules change.  Just because I'm done with supper, baths and cleaning doesn't mean that everyone else is.  I don't call my friends who are married because I don't want to interrupt their family times, and let's just say I haven't been on speed dial in a long long time for anyone.  I have a few friends who shoot me random texts a couple times a month because they do things they know will make me laugh...but that's about it anymore.  It's sad but I can't say that I've been the perfect friend either.  I don't invite my friends here...I think 2 of my friends have been to my house and we've lived here almost 2 years.  I really need to change that but I'm just not ready to entertain company.  I miss the old me.  the one who was always so upbeat and ready for a challenge of cooking solo for a dozen people and then having kids over all the time.  Have I said yet that I'm ready for my hubby to be home yet?  Well, I am.  I'm so ready for him to be home and to take his role as husband and daddy to a more hands-on role than I ever thought I would.  But he's doing a job that he was truly meant to do and the Lord has blessed him so much with the knowledge and connections to do this job.  And myself, I've been blessed to be able to spend every single second with the kids and even on days where I just really want a break...I can look at their little faces and all stress just melts away if I forget about the housework and just sit down and cuddle or play with them.  :-)

**I did not edit this post, so I'll apologize for any errors in spelling or grammer.  I know that had I edited..I would probably delete most of it. 

I want to get away...I want to flyyyyy away. yeah -- yeah -- yeah!

so..today is Friday.  I should be excited about this, but instead I find myself dreading the weekend.  Don't get me wrong...I do enjoy having my kids 24/7.  Anyone that does know me, knows that this is true...but every once and a while I long for a day alone without having to clean, do laundry, cook food, or entertain kids.  Just a day where I can sleep as late as I want to and then use my gigantic whirlpool tub that at most has been used a dozen times since we moved here Dec. 2010 without one of the kids knocking on the door and asking if I'm done yet.  In a few weeks, my bestie and I have a Spa Day planned.  We don't get together nearly enough but I know that I'll enjoy it and it can't get here SOON enough!  Those few hours without kids and pure relaxation.....yep, I'm ready NOW.  Anyways, the purpose of this blog was to help me remember these days so I guess today will be my first journal entry on my blog! 
Sometimes I just don't know what I ever did without my 3 kids.  But then, sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed with responsibility that I just want to jump in the truck and drive miles and miles...alone.  This is the part that really sucks about Josh being overseas for 2 straight years with only little 2 week breaks every 6 months.  It seems when he's home, I don't want to leave him and the kids for even a second to have "alone time" but then when he leaves...I always wish I had taken a day to myself.   And I do have people who would watch my kids, but that isn't the point.  The times that I really just want a break are usually at night after a super stressful day....and I don't make a habit of ever getting a babysitter (grandparents or my sister) unless it's something important and I can't take the kids.  I do love my kids more than anything...but sometimes a break for no reason would be nice.  I'm still thinking that Josh and I will take a long over-due honeymoon to the mountains.  We never really had one, we stayed local in a hotel for one night and was on our way home at 8 this next morning.  I'd love to go and stay several days in a cabin and do the whole sight-seeing thing with my hubby without having to stop every 30 minutes because a kid needs to pee, is hungry, is tired...or being just a plain brat.  Not to mention that this November, we will have been married 10 years, with 5 of that him working away from home traveling from state to state (and usually coming home one or 2 weekends a month), and then he did over a year in Iraq, and this will make 2 years in Afghanistan (not alot of time together).   Don't get me wrong, we are happily married and I'm not worried about the "spark" not being there.  Heck...I still get butterflies when I hear that familar "beep" that means he's online, or I hear his ringtone.  :-)   I just think that a few days away from everything will be good for us.  When he's home on his r/r's, we always take a date night where someone watches the kids overnight and we go out to eat and to a movie and then home.  But that's really it...the rest of the time it's all about him spending time with the kids (as he should be).   I didn't really mean to get on that topic...but I'm glad I've put it out there so that years from now, I can remember exactly how I felt at this time in my life.