The Day to Remember

So..It's that day again, where I carefully dust off my white candle and light it at promptly 7:00 pm and allow myself to think about the baby we lost and my many friends who have suffered the same heartache.   I know many people will say that if you haven't felt the baby move or if your not over 10 or 20 weeks then you don't suffer the same.  TOTALLY not true in my case.   On October 8th, 2004 I woke up knowing something wasn't right.   On this sacred day, I'll share our story. 

I had just confirmed our pregnancy and found out I was around 6 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child that previous week at the Dr's office.  Josh had left the day before (Oct. 7th) for a training in St. Louis with a co-worker who is oddly enough the person responsible for getting him his current job.  I had packed my own bags into a friends house that previous night and had immediately started cramping a little.   I went to bed with Jared and propped my legs up.  The cramping stopped so I thought everything was fine.  The next morning...Aside from the obvious reason that I was spotting I knew something bad was going to happen.   At the time, I was fearing bedrest for the next several months.  NEVER in my mind did I think my baby was already gone.   This baby was wanted...so so wanted.  From the first moment I heard the nurse who was giving me a pee test before renewing my brith control prescription say that I had tested positive I knew this baby was wanted by Josh and I.   Yes...you heard right.   I did not know I was pregnant at that point until I went in for the prescription that week prior.   Anyways, I get up and call the dr's office and they want me there asap.  So I wake up my friends daughter and tell her to get in bed with Jared and that I would be back in a few hours.   I get to the dr's office and they take me back.   Here, they give me a ultrasound to tell me that my baby was miscarrying and that it was just a matter of time before I passed it.   PASSED IT?!?!   I don't want to pass it, I want to keep it there and let it grow into a beautiful baby girl or boy!   To say I was stunned is an understatement.  I passed out and the next thing I know I'm in the recovery room at the hospital after having an emergency D&C.    In the meantime, my sister had tried and tried to get ahold of Josh.   She finally gets in touch with him and they head home from St. Louis full throttle.  The next morning, I wake up at my friends house with Josh sitting next to me.  All I remember of the next few days is crying...crying for all we lost, crying for my mistakes.   Did I cause the miscarriage by not knowing about the pregnancy and taking my birth control pills all that time?  Did I cause the miscarriage by packing in my bags?  I don't know.   The OB said later that he thought the baby would have miscarried regardless and that sometimes it just happens.   All I know is that Oct. 8th, the day my baby left my womb and May 26th, the due-date we were given for our baby will never be the same.   I think about this baby all the time, I've had many dreams of a little girl with long curly brown hair and blue eyes.   I know without a shadow of a doubt that my baby is in the arms of Jesus and is well.   I grieve for all of the mothers who have experienced this same pain, and hold my kids tighter thanking God for allowing me to carry them to birth and seeing them here healthy.  I'll continue to pray for all the mothers with empty arms that they will one day get to hold a baby in their arms because one thing I'm sure of...whether or not you hold a child or not, your still a mother and one day you'll be reunited with your child.  God takes care of ALL his children, not just the one's who were delivered full term and healthy.